Awful..

I dunno if i should feel affected or not..

But i guess ppl who knows me knows that i am already affected to begin with..

My heart is broken.. n i jus cant seem to pick up d pieces..

Well some ppl say it either break u or make u..

D instincts is to strong..ah heck it...silence doesnt mean ur right n i'm wrong...

lets just leave it as that.. as this.. fullstop...

Rindu..

here i am.. surfing the net while making cookies for raya..

couldnt help feeling empty..

i miss her.. she would call n ask.. "Aries buat kueh berapa macam tahun ni?"

And i would answer her accordingly..

Or.."Hari ni buka apa? Aries masak apa?"

I remembered...i used to tell her i couldnt cook.. i'm bad at it and she would retort ..

"Senang la nak masak.. masak apa? Ayam lemak cili padi? Senang... pergi beli.. nanti nenek masakkan..."

Now eventually when i can cook.. she's no longer around.. to taste my cooking...

Ayubi talks alot now.. once in a while he would call out "Nyang...nyang" or he would point out 'Nyang' in the photo..'Nyang carrying him'..

I'm sure his Nyang would be delighted to hear him talk.. to see him toddling here n there,..

But all his Nyang could witness was his birth.. his wailings.. his cryings.. colic.. where she tended to him..chatting with his ayah while his ibu surrended to tiredness...

Once in a while.. Sen would recall back that night where she shared her life wif him.. he was fortunate to hear all those stories..me? i guess i took her for granted..believed that she would stay longer..i was wrong...

whenever Sen shared wif me those stories.. i would cry buckets.. regrets.. that i took her for granted..

i've always tot i was second best to her.. little that i know... i was always d first.. d first in her eyes...

Years back it was during this time too..ramadhan.. she was here...she nagged...Nana n I.. we danced.. we called her nags techno music.. we danced to her nags.. but now... no nags to dance to..

This raya.. is diff..no nenek to hug..to salam.. to kiss.. to ask for forgiveness..told Sen that d money that is meant for nenek, is to b donated...

Yes life goes on..but its different.. just so different..

Nek.. Aries rindu...

I'm floating

Ah.. i cant describe my feelings.. i feel so YEAY!!!!
Finally the dreaded practicum by a certain person is over!!
Im over the moon!!
I can start baking kuehs now..
I was so afraid i would flunk.. coz a few of my peers flunked.. n i was so so afraid.. but now its all over.. and i passed!!! just need to settle my practicum folder n then i'm done.. anothe dip to add to d name =) yeah!!
And Bibi coming home tonight double yeay!!!
Cant wait to meet him!

ECE

I was very upset on Monday..
Very very upset..
Some people might think that its easy being the ECE field..

Yes some people might think ECE = teacher children ABC, count 123..lunch time let them eat.. show time, let them shower and go home time just say goodbye...

Well it don work that way honey!!

We attend to the child's physical, emotional, intellectual and social needs..
We play the roles of mummys and daddys too..

But apparently these people don see it that way....

Its not easy being in this field..
Attend to children's needs.. parents demands.. meet expectations..
The list just goes on..

My 9th yr in this field and never have i felt so drained.. never...

I don feel up to it anymore..
N having to handle J is even more draining..

His tantrums!! Ah!! Tires me out...
I'm not giving up.. its just that.. d support is never there.. no matter watever i did .. to help him.. is never supported by the youknowwho..
It is so frustrating...
It is so not fair that i have to spend more time on him and waste my teachingtime to discipline him.. disrupt my lessons.. always!! I hate it!!

Well i guess whateverdoesnt kill me makes me stronger..

Pay aint great.. long hours..
Arghhhh i used to love what i'm doing.. but now..

*sigh*
i guess i've change.. i wish i can just stay home and look after Ayubi 24/7..
But i guess.. that will only happen in my dreams for now =(...

Right n Wrong...

I am so so worried...

I guess wat Papa said is true.. maybe there r reasons to why 'he' is being treated this way...

i was shocked.. to see something that i rather not see coming from someone close to me..

d feeling was urgh!! i dunno should i cry.. laugh or jus keep mum.. i was so angry.. sad n disappointed..

i gave him a tongue lashing.. of coz he panicked when i found out.. tried to make excuses.. but i know him too well..

i m so so worried.. this is just not d time.. not yet.. we don wan to deal wif this now..

i guess 'he' has to be ban from this home.. for the time being..

i dunno how to react if i should see him d next time... look so kesian.. so innocent.. so wronged.. but then.. its not the truth..

i m so so worried...i dun wan this attitude this 'teachings' of his to be passed around.. no i dun wan...

Papa brought this family up with blood tears n sweat.. instilled d right values.. d right and the wrongs and no way m i gonna let 'he' destroy it...

Just no way....